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Two Minute Warning: Everybody Hurts Sometime

November 7, 2009 | By Derek Jones | comment on this post
John Madden
John Madden once said that winning is a great deodorant. Fans bathe in it.

Bear with me through our latest voyage. Thanks to the Phils’ World Series loss, I’m in a bit of an ornery mood these days. My email box and Facebook account has been swamped with arrogant and cocksure emails from Yankee fans celebrating title 27. And most of them I can’t even put in print.

On Thursday, I estimated I had roughly five congratulations in me towards Yankees fans. I work around them all day, teach them, and call some of them friend. Nonetheless, I’m rationing out the kudos like it’s a small supply of Ramen noodles on a deserted island. In fact, I only dished out two. Somehow, I don’t think the other three are leaving my mouth anytime soon.

One of the reasons for my anger is the multi-layered facade of Yankee fans and fans of the Dallas Cowboys. Individuals use their team preferences as a bully pulpit to make themselves feel better about their otherwise somewhat questionable lives. Can you blame them, though? As John Madden once said, winning is a great deodorant. Fans bathe in it.

Tired of waiting around for the local team to win or to spite their dad or to look cool for the girls in high school, we have become a nation of front runners. If you read TMW from two weeks ago, you know that I’ve crafted a plan to eliminate such nonsense.

In honour of the Eagles playing the Cowboys this weekend, it’s time to call into question perhaps the biggest set of frontrunning fans that don’t sport the interlocking NY on top of their heads.

I’m willing to bet most Cowboy fans under the age of 30 can’t answer 60 per cent of these questions accurately without checking out Wikipedia.

Without further ado, let’s fire up a sample of the first ever TMW Fan Certification Test:

1 . Which of these future NFL head coaches never played for the Dallas Cowboys?

A. Mike Ditka
B. Dan Reeves
C. John Madden

2. What player said that Terry Bradshaw could not spell cat if you spotted him the c and the t?

A. Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson
B. Larry Cole
C. Mike Hegman
D. Dixon Edwards

3. How many times has Dallas appeared in the Super Bowl?

A. 5
B. 6
C. 7
D. 8

4. The only player in NFL history to win a Super Bowl MVP as a member of the losing team is:

A. Bob Lilly
B. Mel Renfro
C. Darren Woodson
D. Chuck Howley

5. Dallas lost three straight NFC title games during the 1980-82 seasons. Who was the starting quarterback for the Cowboys in all three?

A. Steve Pelluer
B. Gary Hogeboom
C. Danny White
D. Roger Staubach

6. The first time the Cowboys reached the playoffs in the Jimmy Johnson era was 1991. Who started the team’s playoff game at Chicago for the injured Troy Aikman?

A. Babe Laufenberg
B. Steve Walsh
C. Steve Beuerlein
D. Danny White

7. Who scored the go-ahead touchdown in the famous Ice Bowl?

A. Jim Taylor
B. Max McGee
C. Bob Hayes
D. Bart Starr

8. Dallas acquired what Pro Bowl defensive end from the San Francisco 49ers prior to the start of the ’92 season?

A. Fred Dean
B. Pierce Holt
C. Charles Haley
D. Tim Harris

9. In Super Bowl XII, Robert Newhouse fired a touchdown pass on a halfback option to which receiver:

A. Butch Johnson
B. Drew Pearson
C. Golden Richards
D. Alvin Harper

10. On its way to Super Bowl X against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Dallas defeated Minnesota in the divisional round. Which player caught a Hail Mary for the go-ahead touchdown?

A. Drew Pearson
B. Tony Dorsett
C. Butch Johnson
D. Preston Pearson

See answers at bottom of column.

The Culverhouse Index

Last week’s rankings in parenthesis.

1. Detroit Lions, 1-6 (8): Detroit showed some limited promise this season, but then the Rams came into town and showed otherwise. A bad loss for the Lions.

2. St. Louis Rams, 1-7 (1): They were holding steady at the top spot until they finally came up with a win.

3. Kansas City Chiefs, 1-6 (4): Can’t the Chiefs stay on bye?

4. Washington Redskins, 2-5 (3): Can’t the Redskins stay on bye?

5. Tennessee Titans, 1-6 (2): Finally, there is life. I’m not sure Vince Young is the answer at quarterback, but with Chris Johnson running the ball it doesn’t matter at the moment.

6. Oakland Raiders, 2-5 (6): At least they played well against the Chargers this season.

7. Cleveland Browns, 1-7 (5): They’ve scored six points or fewer in five of eight games this season.

8. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 0-7 (7): First win? Maybe December 6 at Carolina.

9. Buffalo Bills, 3-5 (9): Terrell Owens is on pace for 46 catches this season. Ouch.

10. Carolina Panthers, 3-4 (10): Incredibly, the Panthers are one win away from being 4-4. The league is a bit down in ’09.

Ten Things We Learned in Week Eight

1. The Owen Daniels injury is going to slow the Texan passing game: Destined for a Pro Bowl this season, Daniels went down with a season-ending torn ACL injury. The timing could not be worse for the Texans. Quarterback Matt Schaub is playing the best football of his career while the team plays a huge game against the Colts on Sunday.

2. Perhaps the Giant defense just isn’t that good: Over their last three games, the Giants have surrendered 112 points, allowing 37 points per game over the same stretch. That’s what happens when C.C. Brown is covering people.

3. Percy Harvin is secretly one of the NFL’s most valuable players in 2009: Anytime the Vikings are reeling this season, Harvin finds a way to dig them out of trouble. The rookie from Florida leads the league in yards per touch at 19.8.

4. DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart pack a mean punch, as long as Jake Delhomme isn’t killing them: If Delhomme doesn’t turn the ball over, it makes things far easier for Williams and Stewart. Over the last three weeks, the Panthers have rushed for at least 250 yards twice.

5. The Jets = overrated: The bandwagon started to fill up after the Week Two win over New England. However, the Jets’ fourth loss in the last fifth games has made the bandwagon quite a bit lighter. New York’s special teams turned Ted Ginn into a combination of Dante Hall and Devin Hester. How else do you explain the Dolphins scoring 30 points despite gaining just 104 yards?

6. Steve Slaton is killing your Fantasy team one week at a time: Benched by Texan head coach Gary Kubiak last week in Buffalo, Slaton appears to be in great danger of losing playing time to backup Ryan Moats. Slaton has lost five fumbles and is averaging 3.1 yards per carry. Sounds like a benching to me.

7. Anquan Boldin may never actually get his money: Boldin did not pose as a model teammate over the past year in part due to a lack of financial security. Now, Arizona’s star receiver has been unable to stay healthy for much of the season. After being hounded by a hamstring ailment, he is now battling ankle problems.

8. Part 1 of Operation 2006 has begun: Whenever you have a quarterback on the wrong side of 30, it is not a good thing in the long run. Arizona and Tennessee got away with it 2008. At least for Tennessee, the story turned differently this season as Vince Young finally made his way into the starting lineup. With the Cards in first, Kurt Warner is not in danger in Arizona…as long as he stops having those five-interception performances.

9. Don’t look now, but outside of Minnesota and New Orleans the NFC is a mess: Eliminate Detroit, St. Louis and Tampa Bay. What else do we know about the NFC? Everyone else hovers between two and five wins. Looks like December should be a mess for tiebreakers.

10. Bob Sanders is out for the year…adjust your Fantasy lineups accordingly: Surprise, surprise. Sanders is out for the year with a torn bicep. Further compounding matters is a season-ending injury to Marlin Jackson, who hurt himself in practice earlier this week. When backs get into the Indy secondary (which Frank Gore did last week), look out.

Week Eight BPITW Poll

Last week’s rankings in parenthesis.

1. Adrian Peterson (1): It seems like the Vikings run at least 50 plays per game inside of the 10 yard line, making it all the more easier for Peterson to score.

2. Peyton Manning (2): Joseph Addai had more touchdown passes than Manning last week.

3. Drew Brees (3): He doesn’t have many tough matchups left on the schedule, but a big battle versus New England in the Superdome looms in a few weeks.

4. Chris Johnson (NR): Watch this video. Now. Do it.

5. Cedric Benson (4): The Ravens will keep Benson under 100 yards rushing on Sunday. Take it to the bank.

6. Ronnie Brown (5): He will a key figure in Sunday’s matchup against New England.

7. Ray Rice (6): The Bengal defense should be a bit softer this time around without Antwan Odom.

8. Tom Brady (10): His productivity this week will be tied to his defense’s ability to get the Dolphins off the field.

9. Andre Johnson (5): The Colts have only allowed three touchdown passes thus far. Johnson could have a good day though against an injury-depleted secondary.

10. Maurice Jones-Drew (7): Too bad he was outdone by Johnson…Chris and Gus.

Video of the Week

It’s one thing to lose a World Series. Losing a World Series to the Yankees hits another stratosphere of misery. It’s time to drown my sorrows in a sad song…and football.

Answers to Cowboys quiz: 1. c. 2. a. 3. d. 4. d. 5. c. 6. c. 7. d. 8. c. 9. c. 10. a.

If you’ve answered between eight and 10 correctly, you’re in great shape and more than likely over 30 years old.

Don’t worry, Cowboy fans. Your fans aren’t the only ones with frauds placed within…and yes, I’m looking at you, Steeler Nation.

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