As we near the end of February, there’s something in the air: the unmistakable sense of March Madness. It’s an affliction many roto widows will have to endure in the coming weeks. Having dealt with this state for a few years now, I thought I’d try to provide some warning signs of this madness for all of you significant others out there who are similarly sports-saturated. If you find yourself faced with any of the 10 situations below, don’t panic. Your spouse has simply caught March Madness and will return to his or her “normal” self on April 3.

10. You find he’s repeatedly explaining to you the definition of a “Tar Heel.”

9. After every purchase he checks the air points balance on your credit card to see if he has enough to get to Atlanta.

8. He starts arranging the french fries, peas and meat loaf on his dinner plate in a bracket formation.

7. He starts rifling through your kids’ paint supplies to see if there’s enough of the right orange hue so that he can be in full support of Syracuse.

6. You ask him to pick up milk and eggs on the way home, but he arrives with bags of cheese doodles, candy corn and celery sticks for his new pet ram, which he rented from the local petting zoo.

5. When you inquire about the sudden spike to the long distance phone bill, you learn that your spouse has been calling all the tournament teams. He’s been inquiring if they are in need of an understudy for the team mascot.

4. Whenever you ask if he can do the dishes (or some other cleaning activity) he starts jumping up and down making a low humming sound in an attempt to distract you. You clue in to his plan when you see on TV that the home crowd makes that very same motion when the opposition has the ball.

3. He thinks it would be fun if you both filled out brackets – a bonding activity – but you find yourself spending way too much time wondering whether a badger or a husky would win if they were in a fight.

2. You arrive home from work on the first Thursday of the tourney to see a strange glow coming from the family room windows. No, aliens have not taken over your home. Your husband has moved every television in the house, all computer screens, and your laptop into the family room so that he can watch all the games that are on at the same time. Don’t even attempt to turn on the lights unless your brother is an electrician.

1. In an attempt at sweet talk when you’re getting intimate, he takes on the raspy tone of Dick Vitale and ends every sentence with a shout of “you’re awesome, baby!” You try to explain that “how’d you like to touch my Dickie V., baby?” is not working as a turn on.

From the RotoWidow files…

With just two weeks left until Super Bowl XLI, it’s time to send out the invitations for your party! There’s no better way to’win friends and influence people than to host them at a super cool Super Bowl party. Here’s what you need to have a kick-ass’football fest:

1. Invites need to share the excitement that can be expected from the party. If you want to go traditional, mailed invites should resemble sports’tickets with all the relevant details of your’party. Alternatively, if time and money are an issue, leave voicemails’for your guests inviting them to the big day. But’not just any voicemail – play a couple seconds of a recording of a referee’s call from a game before you “announce” where the party to end all parties will be. You’ll be sure to pique their interest.

2. Set the scene at your party headquarters by decorating in the colours of the two competing teams. Be sure to have noise-makers and face paint on hand so that guests can truly get into the spirit. Even if they’re not that into football, they can surely get into the mood if you have the necessities.

3. Food. Think tailgate; think football stadium. Cold beer (OK, and soda)’in coolers and tubs of ice should be placed in key spots. If weather permits, or if you’re a true tailgater, fire up the grill for’hot dogs, sausages and burgers. Be sure to offer lots of snacks such as Crackerjack, popcorn, and (RotoRob’s favourite) cheese doodles’in small, stadium-sized packages.

4. While the RotoWidow does not condone gambling, it’s all about the betting, baby! The Super Bowl easily rates as the most bet-on sports game of the year. It’s’likely that more than $6 billion will be bet both legally and illegally on this one game. And, quite frankly, this can add excitement to a game that’s’a blow-out and make the non-sports fan feign interest for a few hours. The key is to have variety in the types of bets your guests can make. Sure, you’ll want to have the obligatory football board, but I’m talking about things like, which player has the best football-pants butt. Have everyone pick a player and then vote at the end of the night – the person who picked the player with the most votes wins. Or how about, which team has the best endzone dance? Or who has the best Super Bowl commercial or’best’half-time act? Be creative and you can find something to interest everyone. Heck, in Vegas, it’s common to bet on which team will be the last to score, whether or not either team will score in the first 6.5 minutes, and who will win the coin toss. And you don’t need to go crazy with wagers. Simply put together some goody bags for each winner to take home.

With’these simple tips, you too can be’the host(ess) with the most(est). Happy party planning and may the best (Colts) team win!

Perhaps it was the much-publicized breakup from her famous Newlywed co-star that keeps Jessica Simpson leading the pack in the Fantasy Fashion League. Or maybe it was the launch of her own line of shoes. Either way, she’s kicking butt with her Daisy Duke booty and four-inch stilettos. Simpson is our fantasy studette of 2006.

Dud of the Year

Teri Hatcher must have appeared more desperate than a sexy housewife this year because she’s a dud in 2006. Compared to the top-notch numbers she earned last year, Hatcher has wilted. Perhaps there’s only room enough for one superstar on Wisteria Lane – and, if so, it’s clearly Eva Longoria (she’s earned a massive rock from Tony Parker to prove she’s his ultimate fantasy).

Rookie of the Year

Canada’s own Evangeline Lilly earns top rookie honours for ‘06. While she may not be a newbie to the world of TV, her first speaking part ever – as Kate Austen on Lost — has garnered her top marks in the fashion and celebrity world. Kudos to any Canuck who leaves Alberta behind for Hawaii. Lilly has clearly found her way.

Comeback of the Year

Ditching the “dirrty” laundry has helped Christina Aguilera fashion an amazing comeback. With the launch of her Back to Basics album this year, Aguilera cleaned up her act and currently ranks ninth out of 426 celebrities in the Fantasy Fashion League. Not too shabby for someone who not too long ago was being censored by the parents of her much-adoring pre-teen fans. The girl can sing – hopefully she’ll stick just to that.

[Editorial note -- the RotoWidow was not responsible for choosing this tasteless photo or writing the cutline.]

2006 RotoRob Awards

Basketball
Hockey
Football
Baseball

From the RotoWidow files…

With just two weeks left for holiday shopping, it’s time to think seriously about your gift giving. Are you giving the right present(s) to your RotoWidow? After a year of playing second fiddle to the game of the week, your spouse deserves a gift that says, “You’re my MVP;” “Where you are is definitely more important than where Manny is going to be in 2007;” “You make me happier than Monday Night Football,” and simply, “I love you more than Sidney Crosby.”

So here are some ideas to get you started with your holiday shopping. I know it’s the thought that counts, but if you’ve been a particularly devoted fantasy sports junkie this year, one of these suggestions might be worth considering.

5. A night out at the most expensive, romantic restaurant in town. The key here is not the restaurant; it’s that you must promise to take her when she wants to go. Yes, she picks the date night and no matter if it’s Wild Card weekend or Super Bowl Sunday (of course, she’d never actually do that to you) you have to go. The sacrifice that you’re making is the key to this gift. It will make her stop and think, “Wow, he really does care about me more than those silly guys wearing spandex pants outside in Green Bay. He’d rather be spending time with me than wearing a block of cheese on his head.”

4. A leather designer handbag. This is an investment piece that every girl wants, but can sometimes be hard to justify. You’re reasoning is that at least she’ll have something beautiful and valuable that she adores on her arm when she’s out and you’re at home watching the game. Trips to family outings or social events without you will be less undesirable with her new bag to show off.

3. A flat-screen TV and DVD player. It doesn’t need to be 52″, but it does need to be in a different room than where you watch your sports. Now she has a little retreat where she can quietly enjoy Sex and the City DVDs, while you’re whooping it up over the game of the week in your den. There’ll be no more arguments about the remote either.

2. A trip to a warm, sunny climate. This gift is the perfect way to make up for the time you spent in sunny Florida during spring training. In fact, she may appreciate a solo trip to a spa or retreat. If absence makes the heart grow fonder, then make the absence from sports all the more reason to fall in love with you all over again. She’s sure to have heart-felt memories when she’s lying on the beach in Maui.

1. Diamonds. And I don’t mean like the kind that Ray Kinsella made in Iowa. They can be big, but should still fit on a finger, in an ear or hanging around the neck. This present will undo all past roto wrongs and make your RotoWidow forgive all. Heck, she may even be so blinded by the shiny light that she’ll agree to go to spring training with you.

Happy shopping!

1. Take some time each Saturday morning (when the TV Guide arrives) to plan which sports you’re going to watch during the week. This is essential so that you can ensure you have enough cheese doodles, licorice and beer on hand to prevent crazed half-time trips to the store. You know the ones where you are bowling people over in the aisles trying to find your favourite snacks ‘ all while knowing you have just 15 minutes before the second half starts?

2. If you’re a player in multiple fantasy pools, try to designate specific days of the week (or at least times during the day) when you will research and make changes, decisions, etc., to just one fantasy team. I know it’s overwhelming trying to take in information on all four sports and keep up with all of the excitement, so you need structure if you’re going to be an effective fantasy sports enthusiast.

3. Whenever possible, schedule family and friend events that correlate with your sports mindset. The kids will think that a night of bowling with mom and dad is great fun and mom will be happy that you are taking time to connect with the family. But there are always TVs and satellites in places like bowling alleys so you can keep up with the game while you ensure your social and family life doesn’t go down the drain! Spouse nagging you to go out for dinner? No problem. There’s a great new restaurant (read: sports bar) that just opened that you hear has the best chicken wings in town.

Remember, October is the most fun month of the year, and with some thoughtful planning and preparation you’ll be sure to enjoy it and not miss out on all its sports.

Now, a quick update on how I’m doing in the Fantasy Fashion League. Well, they don’t show the full list of teams to compare scores ‘ just the top 10, and based on those top 10 scores, unless something screwy happens to the point tracking system to cause my score to grow exponentially, I’m down near the bottom, completely sucking. Speaking of exponents, there is a good reason why I suck so bad. Now, being a journalism major and creative-type, I hate math just about as much as Republicans hate Michael Moore. But for once in my life I’m missing statistics. In fashion, unlike in sports, there are no stats to analyze or compare to help determine which players are best for your team. Teams are pretty much formed on gut instinct. So the lack of stats is my excuse. (I really am fashionable ‘ I swear!)

Happy October to all!

I’m sucking in the Fantasy Fashion League. The league leader has nearly double the amount of points that I’ve earned. Who knew the effort and time commitment that would be involved in setting a daily lineup of fashion designers and celebrities? I just don’t care that much, I guess. Perhaps after watching the stress that RotoRob goes through in setting his final, locked roster for the season, I subconsciously try to avoid similar situations.

I did have a brief crazy moment one night last week just before the monthly scores for magazine coverage were doled out. I ran like a mad woman for my copies of Vogue and In Style and carefully perused the point-earning columns, making notes of the designers and celebrities with the most coverage. It paid off as the next day I earned more points than I had tallied all season, but I just don’t get that excited about research and deciding on my locked lineup each night.

The fashion league allows you to make daily changes and locks your roster each night at midnight to be used for the next day’s scoring. And just like I always think it’s crazy when RotoRob says he can’t go to a movie or needs to get home early to check the scores, I’m not passionate enough about fantasy life to ditch my real, daily life. Perhaps that’s the cautionary tale about roto – particularly if there’s money and gambling involved – that it should be a fun hobby not an all-consuming vice.

So that’s my public service announcement for the week. And no, I’m not just sore because I’m not winning. I’m betting that Donna Karan will earn big points for me at New York Fashion Week.

I’ve finally succumbed to roto life. Yes, I’ve joined a league — the Fantasy Fashion League. A fabulous female, fed up with her husband’s fantasy football lunacy, created a roto league that women can call their own.

Now, I can really relate to the stress of setting lineups and constantly monitoring player performance. The difference is that I’ll be setting a lineup of fashion/accessories designers and celebrities on my team, Royal Canadian Fashion Police. I mean, I’d much prefer to dissect the strengths of Chanel over Betsey Johnson rather than whether A-Rod should be at third or short.

How do designers and celebrities earn points, you ask? It’s simple. Points accumulate based on the amount of press each player gets in the fashion media — InStyle, Women’s Wear Daily, Vogue — and for being “seen” at awards shows.

It all kicks off tomorrow night with the Emmy awards, so obviously my lineup is skewed towards popular TV celebs who are likely to have plenty of coverage (well, media coverage at least). I think RotoRob would be very pleased with my picks of Eva Longoria and Mary-Louise Parker.

Let’s just see if I’ve picked up a thing or two from my life as the RotoWidow. I’ll check in every now and then to tell you how I’m doing. And next time your significant other starts whining about life as a roto widow, you can honestly say, “it’s fun; you should try it,” and then point them to the Fantasy Fashion League. Let the games begin ladies!

I think I finally understand the moral dilemma that faces fantasy managers at some time in their roto career. A couple of years ago I wondered what was up when RotoRob was struggling with the decision to trade Andruw Jones. The trade would definitely help his team win, but RotoRob had picked Jones right from the get-go, back in the day when he first formed his fantasy team. There was some pride in that and loyalty to a player that – while the “manager” will never actually manage or even meet him – had provided nothing but season after season of payoffs in the pool.

I thought, what’s the big deal? If it means you’ll win (and that’s why you’re playing this strange game) trade him!

Well, this past week when my beloved Jason Varitek underwent surgery on his knee I was devastated – not only for the Red Sox but also because my favourite player was out. Then, in barely the blink of an eye, the Red Sox obtained Javy Lopez. Oh my God! My two favourite players are on the same team?!? And both just happen to be catchers…well, now what? Do I hope for a speedy recovery so that Varitek can come back as the true leader of the team or do I enjoy every minute of Javy catching for my team with the addition of his bat to an already strong offensive lineup? Dilemma, dilemma.

So, I see, it’s not always that easy to listen to the numbers and be a cold-hearted stats man. Even in Roto, the head doesn’t rule all.

RotoRob did end up trading Jones and won the league championship. But whenever we watch the Braves, he can’t help cheer for his pick.

By now I manage to cope pretty well with the fact that vacations are only possible before April and after September. The need for proximity to a computer with Internet access is pretty routine in my life now. Still, this time of year is so disruptive to my peace. It’s hard to believe the stress that so many ordinary people — fantasy baseball managers — put themselves through for their fictional teams. I mean, that’s why the Theo Epstein’s of the world get paid millions. In many cases, RotoRob included, it’s pride that motivates.

The funny thing is that I’m often asked for advice on trades. How the heck am I supposed to provide counsel for these deals? I’d be about as lucky at making the right guess as Wile E. Coyote is of dropping the anvil at the right moment. So I’m counting down the hours until I stop hearing about how player A’s stats compare to player B’s, complaints about trade etiquette, and deliberations about what to do now that Chipper’s on the DL.

As of Tuesday morning, I’ll be a little less of a RotoWidow.